Sometimes as we get older, it is harder to make friends than when we were in childhood. You might find yourself feeling like you have no friends. There can be a variety of reasons why this happens. Some reasons are in our control and others are not. Irregardless of the reason, not having close friends can increase feelings of loneliness and sadness. The good news is there are things you can do about it.
The goal of this article is to help define reasons why it may be difficult to make friends and then look at ways to change having no friends into strategies for developing the relationships you are seeking.
1. It Is Common For People to Feel Like They Don’t Have Friends
Human beings are social creatures. We long for connection and community. When that connection doesn’t happen, loneliness and sadness can set it. It can make anyone feel like they really don’t have any friends.
The thing most of us don’t realize though, is that it is common for people to feel like they have no friends. 1 in 5 adults report having no close friend and 55% of adults in the US said that they feel lonely. [1] That means every 5th person you see feels lonely and without connection to a lasting friendship. That’s a lot of people. That means you are not alone. The good news is that many people have found solutions to their loneliness and that means you can, too.
2. reasons for not having a close friend
There are some common reasons for feeling lonely or that you have no friends. Let’s explore some of them.
- Perceptions. You may think you need a crowd of people to have a circle of friends. The truth is that most people have 1-4 close friends. Even having 1 close friend can make a big difference. It is a myth to think you need a large group of friends in order to feel like you belong.
Brene Brown said, “If you have one soul mentor in your life, consider yourself blessed. If you have more than one, you’ve won the lottery.” The truth is, it really only takes one deep and meaningful relationship to turn the tide of loneliness for most people.
- Mental Health or Physical Issues. There are some physical and mental reasons making friends could be challenging for you. You could have one or more of the following things going on:
- Social Anxiety. Different from everyday nervousness, social anxiety disorder encompasses fear, anxiety and avoidance that interfere with your daily life. It affects relationships, daily routines, work, school or other activities. Social anxiety disorder typically begins in the early to mid-teens, though it can sometimes start in younger children or in adults. [2] IPT can help to reduce the symptoms of this issue and help to develop new beliefs that can help you in relationships. See How IPT Can Help ARTICLE.
- Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorder. Those with this disorder have poor social interactions. They often become obsessed with things, have odd speech patterns, limited facial expressions and trouble understanding social cues. However, there are many who have learned new ways to interact with others and develop social skills that help them form friendships. [3]
- Depression: In some cases the loneliness you feel can be an underlying issue of depression. A study done in England linked loneliness to depression. They found that those who tackled their feelings of loneliness saw a significant reduction in their depression. [4] Those that got involved in therapy or other types of mental health modalities saw a reduction in depression and loneliness. IPT has a profound effect on relieving the symptoms of depression. See article.
- Other Mental Health Disorders. There are many mental health disorders that can contribute to feelings of isolation and loneliness. Bipolar disorder, panic disorder, schizophrenia and others can be contributing factors. Working through the issues surrounding these disorders using IPT can be helpful in relieving symptoms and gaining friendshipping skills.
- Physical Issues. There may be physical issues that feel limiting. Seeking out sources that can make mobility easier, such as charities or municipal groups, can be helpful. Also finding support groups that are sensitive to your disability helps as well.
- You May Be an Introvert. Being introverted isn’t the same thing as being shy or social anxiety. It is a way to describe the way you regain your energy. Some people prefer to spend their time alone and feel drained in social settings. 25-40% of people get their energy back from spending time in activities that are quiet, more reserved and introspective, such as reading. They aren’t necessarily shy, they just need time alone to recharge their batterie
- Recently Moved or Changing Friend Groups: Moving, changing jobs, sobriety, and losing a partner can all be reasons that your friend group could change. Navigating these new life circumstances can be challenging, but if you take the initiative to be social, new circles of friends can and will develop. Some common ways to find these new friends can be:
- Joining a volunteer group
- Attending a club or an organization that interests you
- Invite others to dinner
- Say hello to new neighbors or introduce yourself to them
- Invite others to do things after work
- Join a community sports team or work out at the local gym
- Spending too much time on the internet instead of interacting in person. In a study done on the effects of internet usage [5], researchers found that people who reported spending more than 2 hours a day on social media had twice the odds of perceived social isolation then those who said they spent less time on these platforms.
It could be possible that watching what everyone else is doing on social media makes a person feel left out or that they don’t fit in certain social circles. It’s less time engaging with an actual person or getting out and living life.
- Limited Social Interaction Skills. The more time you spend interacting with other people, talking and getting to know them, the more skills you develop. Knowing what to say to people can feel like something you’re born with, but that really isn’t true for most people.
Most people have to practice and the only way to do that is to be social. There are social cues and skills that can be learned. Like any skill, they can then be practiced and you will get better and better at it the more you practice.
3. How to Make & Keep Friends
Friendships have a huge impact on your mental health and happiness, but it’s one area we don’t always think about when considering our healing journey. However, having a support system of close friends can be a huge help and increase our sense of well being, improve our mental health and increase our longevity. Research shows that friendships are important not only for our survival, but also our wellbeing. [1]
4. Why friends are important
Good friends are a natural stress relief, increase our happiness, boost self worth, and prevent loneliness & isolation. Feeling connected to others who value and love you provides meaning and purpose that is essential to our lives. These are especially important when you are working through difficult times or just need a friend.
Having close friendships don’t just happen, however. Many people aren’t always sure how to develop quality connections or how to make them last. There are some key elements to making friends and maintaining those relationships to reap the benefits of this important support system.
5. Friends help you feel better
Connection to good friends can make a significant difference in your mental health. Here are 6 ways that friends do this in your life:
- Increase your sense of belonging and purpose. Having friends who accept and understand you for who you are, builds a sense of belonging.
- Boost your happiness. Being around others who you have common interests with, who you enjoy being around and see the good in you can elevate your mood and boost your outlook.
- Reduce your stress. Being with someone you view as a friend reduces your stress levels. In one study researchers found that children who had a negative experience while their best friend was present not only felt better about themselves afterwards but also had lower levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, than those who did not have a friend present [2].
If you’re having a hard time, catching up with a friend can bring those stress hormones down and offer a sense of relief and calm.
- Improve your self-confidence and self-worth. Having a friendship where both people value each other can increase self confidence and feelings of self worth. Feeling that the contributions you make to one another are mutually beneficial can help increase your feeling of worth.
- Reduces feelings of isolation and depression. One of the factors that contribute to depression is isolation and the feeling that no one is there for you. Having a social circle that you feel supported and a part of can help you out of some cycles of depression. Connection with others helps reduce loneliness and give a sense of belonging. It also helps you to feel you belong and have someone on your side.
- Support you through tough times. Having someone to share your difficulties with can help you cope with serious illness, trauma, marital separation or divorce and other difficult situations. Someone who provides a listening ear and supportive shoulder can make all the difference.
Understanding the benefits of having a circle of friends is easy, making the relationship and holding onto it can take some effort. Knowing how to make friends and keep them are important so let’s learn how.
6. How to Make Friends
There are several different strategies on how to make friendships, but some of the most important ones are shared here:
1. Start with people you may already know.
Looking at the people you already know in your circles can be a good place to start. Think of people you work with, see at the gym or associate with at church. There are three principles that can help in your quest to beat the i have no friends reality and get you on your way to make new relationships. This three principles are called the 3 R’s. The three R’s can help you make friendships with individuals who are already in your social circles: Reaching out, Reconnecting & Responding.
- Reach Out. Reach out to people who may already be in your current social circles. Is there someone you feel drawn to at work? Someone you share common interests with at the gym? Making new friends usually comes from the places where you spend most of your time. The more often your path crosses someone else’s, the more likely you are to develop a relationship with them. Take a look at the places you frequent the most and look for individuals you feel drawn to.
- Reconnect. Are there any friends you have lost contact with or haven’t seen in a long time? Making the effort to reach out and reconnect with them can be a quick way to start down the path of building lasting friendships. These are usually people you once had things in common with but because of lack of time or other factors you have drifted apart. People you are familiar with is a great place to begin.
- Respond. Making the effort to reach out can be reciprocal. When an old friend invites you to do something, do it. Go to the play they invite you to or have dinner together. It’s important to seize the opportunity.
2. Be Social
Once you reconnect with old friends, it’s time to start reaching out to new possible relationships. There are a variety of ways that you can begin to be social and look for individuals whom you might share common interests. Some of these ways include:
- Attend workshops/courses. Workshops are great ways to make new and lasting connections because it is where like-minded people gather. Look for workshops that interest you and you will find others who share common interests.
- Invite a casual acquaintance out for dinner or to a movie. Many people feel just as uncomfortable reaching out and making new friends as you do. Be the one to invite others. Taking the initiative to take the first step can be nerve wracking, but it can also have high dividends.
- Carpool to work. Ask a coworker if they’d like to share rides. Spending regular time together is a great way to get to know others better and offers the opportunity for uninterrupted and deeper conversation.
- Volunteer. Get involved somewhere with a cause you believe in. You will meet other compassionate people with a cause.
You can’t sit at home on the couch and expect a new friend to come into your life. You have to be brave and try otherwise the belief of having no friends begins to creep back into your mind and behavior.
7. What Kind of Friend are You?
“To have a friend, you must first be one. “ Developing and maintaining healthy friendships involves give-and-take. Sometimes you’re the one giving and other times you’re on the receiving end. Developing traits that let friends know you care about them can help strengthen your friendship. Having good friends often starts with being one yourself.
8. be a good friend
- Be Yourself. The truest friendships are built when both individuals are themselves. Each of you are trying to decide if the other has traits they value in a relationship. If you are trying to be someone else, the friendship isn’t a true one and will usually drift apart. Show your strengths and the depth of your personality. Be real. This is the way to connect.
- Be Open. Be trusting, have faith, and believe in the goodness of others. Have an open mind to others. Some of the greatest friendships can come in places we least expect. Friends can be much older than you, they can be from differing backgrounds than your own, or have different interests. Give friendships a chance to blossom and grow.
- Be Genuine. Be sincere in your interactions with others. Take a valid interest in who they are. Ask what is going on in their lives. Listen with intent. Follow up with them to see how they are doing. When they are having difficult times, be empathetic and supportive. The interest you show in them has a greater chance of then showing up for you. “To have a friend, you must be one first.”
- Show that you can be trusted. Keeping their confidence, being responsible, and showing you are dependable are important to forming strong friendships. Follow through on commitments you’ve made to your friends. When your friends share confidential information, keep it private. Make the effort to be a part of their lives.
- Make the effort to stay in touch. Spending time together is essential to building a close friendship. Make the effort to see friends regularly as your time permits. Think about how much time you are willing to give in the relationship and if it is reciprocated.
- Focus on the positive. In building friendships you may notice things that bother you. Take the time to really see if there are other traits the individual has that make the friendship worth the effort and time. Trivial things can be looked past, for more enduring values and traits. Keep a forgiving attitude.
in conclusion
Remember, it’s never too late to develop new friendships or reconnect with old friends. The benefits of doing so will greatly improve your life. Feeling like you have no friends doesn’t have to last. It can take a little effort, but applying some of these strategies can help you develop friendships that really improve your life. Friendships that are long lasting & help you feel understood, can be vital tools in healing and recovery. A strong support team can make all the difference.
Resources:
- YouGov (2019). “Friendship“. Retrieved from Cloudfront.net.
- https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/social-anxiety-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20
- https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/conditions/aspergers-syndrome#:~:text=The%20name%20for%20Asperger’s%20Syndrome,range%20of%20autism%2Dlike%20disorders.353561
- https://evidence.nihr.ac.uk/alert/loneliness-strongly-linked-depression-older-adults/
- https://www.ajpmonline.org/article/S0749-3797(17)30016-8/fulltext
- 1. Adams, R.E., J.B. Santo, and W.M. Bukowski, The presence of a best friend buffers the effects of negative experiences. Developmental Psychology, 2011. 47(6): p. 1786
- 2.Carlos F Mendes de LeonJournal of Epidemiology & Community Health 2005; 59 533-533 Published Online First: 17 Jun 2005.