I used to feel so awkward in social situations growing up because I felt like my head was always telling me, “i don’t know what to say, run! ” This created a lot of nervous tension for me and I often wondered how do I start a conversation, let alone carry it on for more than a few minutes.
It can be difficult to know what to say when trying to make new friends or in other social situations. You might not feel comfortable or know what to talk about.
When I was younger, I know I felt so nervous inside, whenever I thought about how to actually carry on a conversation. I worried I would say the wrong thing or not know how to respond to something the other person might say. Worst of all, I thought that there would be complete awkward silence. The whole thing made me nervous.
After many years of trying the strategy I am about to share with you, I feel genuinely comfortable having a conversation with almost anyone and I usually do! Just ask my kids who are often waiting around for me as I chatter with someone, I talk to strangers all the time and really enjoy it now.
Get tips From Someone Who talks easily to others
All of my shyness and nervousness began to change for me when I married my husband, Russ. Russ is naturally very good with people. He sets them at ease and conversations flow easily. What people don’t know is that Russ’ ability to speak to anyone didn’t start out as a natural ability. It came from lessons he learned as a kid.
He moved every two years growing up and he had to learn how to make friends quickly. That meant knowing how to talk to people and engaging them in conversations or he would spend the school year friendless. You could say he was pretty motivated to learn this skill. Russ got lots and lots of practice and made many friends, in many places. He had these tips to share:
i don’t know what to say tips
Russ shared these tips and tricks he learned from his childhood that I know can help you too when the “I don’t know what to say” anxiety has you in its grip.
- Make Eye Contact. Look for someone who makes eye contact with you or looks friendly. This is usually a good person to start conversations with.
- Find Similar Interests. Observe people who may have similar interests as you or that you have something in common with.
- You Are Not Alone. Remember that many people don’t know what to say. You are not alone. Having a few simple questions already in your mind to ask someone can really help you.
- Just Try. Don’t be afraid to try.
- Practice. At first, try out the 10 questions on people you feel more comfortable with. Then practice on people you don’t know as well. As you practice you will get better and better. You will also feel more confident in how to respond.
Remember that many people feel like they have no friends or feel awkward in conversations. With practice and time those friendships can develop and it all starts by learning to ask questions. Learn more ways to make friends in this article “Solutions to Why I Have No Friends.”
Conquering Fear to Ask Questions
I really did feel afraid to talk to people sometimes. This fear is common. Many people report that their anxiety increases when having a conversation with others. When I decided to conquer my nervousness about it, I came up with a plan. I formulated 10 essential questions to ask other people in conversations.
I kept them in the back of my mind whenever we were with other people, like a safety net I could rely on. The nervousness died down as I relied on those 10 questions that I knew I could count on to engage other people in a conversation.
Tips & Tricks to Asking Questions
That’s how my journey of being at ease to talk to almost anyone began, with 10 simple questions. I know it’s where it can start for you as well. I share them with you here, in an attempt to remind you that you can do it, too. Making new friends can begin with knowing how to talk to other people. And then practicing it, over and over again.
Before I share those questions with you, though, here are a few things to keep in mind:
- Show interest. Be interested in what they have to say. Listen with interest and really want to get to know who they are.
- The other person is the star of the show. People love to talk about themselves. Remember that. Go into the conversation ready and willing to hear about them.
- Follow up questions. When they answer your questions, look for clues or que words that help you to know what to ask next. When you ask them where they are from and they reply, “ Austin, TX. It was so hot there I thought I’d die in the summer”, ask them what they did to survive the heat. What did they find they loved doing inside when it was so hot? Or comment something understanding, like “ that must have been miserable, what were the winters like?” Remember you are trying to keep them engaged and find out more about them.
- Share about you after talking about them. After you have gotten to know more about them with the question you just asked, share things about yourself that relate to the same question. For example: share about your hometown and what you loved about it or ask if they know anyone from there.
- When they don’t respond with questions. If they don’t ask questions about you or give you any questions, find ways to relate to what they are sharing. For example: If they share they are from Austin, TX, think about what you know about Austin, Follow up questions might be:
Follow Up Questions
- People in Common. Do you know “so and so”? I went to school with them. If they know the person, ask how they know them or what they had in common with that person.
- Things to do there. Did you ever go to “this event, place or site” that you know is in Austin?
- Myths or Facts. Ask about some myth or fact you know about the place they are from: Do Texans really love their state so much they want it to be their own country? For a list of myths or facts, go here.
- Ask about details. What did you love to do in your hometown?
- Tell me more.
Some people naturally know how to do this. Some do not. Be willing to share things about yourself in ways that help them to engage with you.
- Practice. Practice. Practice. You have to put yourself in social situations and use the questions along with the tips and tricks. The more you practice, the better you will get. After a while it will be second nature to you.
So, let’s get onto the magical 10 questions that are about to change your life. (Cheering noise in the background).
10 Questions for When You Don’t Know What to Say
- Where are you from?
- What do you love about your hometown?
- Who were your closest friends there?
- What did you love to do when you were a kid?
- What do you do for work?
- What is your favorite thing about your job?
- What is most challenging about your job?
- What was your most embarrassing moment or something you wish you could forget?
- Tell me about your family.
- What do you like to do in your spare time now?
That’s it friends! They really are that easy. They seem so simple, but when you apply the tips and tricks I shared with you to each question, they turn these simple questions into the stuff of magical conversations.
Following the Suggestions
When you ask each question like where they are from, follow the format in the tips and tricks:
- Remember the other person is the star of the show.
- Show interest in them.
- Use follow up questions.
- How to get them interested when they don’t respond.
- Share about yourself in a way that relates to the question you asked of them
When the resulting conversation from the first question is finished, go on to the next one. Follow all the same steps from the tips and tricks section with question number two. Carry on this same way with all of the questions. Touch on all of the tips and tricks in your conversation. You will have a full conversation with someone you just met with just 10 simple questions.
Then put tip number 6 to work and practice, practice, practice. Before you know it, conversations will be much more natural and you will have the social interactions you are looking for.
conclusion
Whenever you feel that I don’t know what to say feeling, remember these 10 questions and you’ll be having a conversation in no time. Carry on friends! And remember: You can do it!